{"id":6895,"date":"2019-04-10T21:01:47","date_gmt":"2019-04-10T21:01:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/?p=6895"},"modified":"2021-11-09T21:30:24","modified_gmt":"2021-11-09T21:30:24","slug":"habits-for-a-healthy-relationship-by-alyssa-mcelwain-phd-univ-wy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/?p=6895","title":{"rendered":"Habits for a Healthy Relationship – by Alyssa McElwain, PhD Univ. WY"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Alyssa McElwain, PhD, CFLE, Asst. Professor Dept of Family & Consumer Sciences, UWyo<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Are\nyou ready for what happens after the rings and reception? As you look forward\nto a lifelong commitment, it\u2019s easy to feel a mixture of excitement and nerves.\n You have probably heard the odds about divorce and you\u2019ve probably heard\nthat relationships take work. Love isn\u2019t always enough to sustain a marriage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\ndo people do <\/em>in healthy, long-lasting relationships? To answer that, I\nhave to share the knowledge and wisdom of my go-to guru on healthy\nrelationships & marriage. Dr. John Gottman is a therapist and researcher\nwho has studied couple relationships for decades. This man can actually predict\ndivorce. He doesn\u2019t have a crystal ball; he has identified the\ndestructive habits that cause marital demise. Most importantly, he figured out\nthe key habits people engage in on a regular basis to do work <\/em>in their\nrelationship. These habits are effective–we have decades of research to prove\nit. The great thing is these habits are things you can do right now, on a daily\nbasis, to help your relationship thrive over the years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So,\nwhat\u2019s the secret? Put simply, couples in happy long-lasting relationships are\nbest friends and treat each other accordingly. That foundation of friendship\nmeans that partners know about each other\u2019s current lives. Here\u2019s the key with this\none: the person you marry will change. Perhaps in small ways, but maybe in\nmajor ways. For instance, if you become parents together, that role will change\nyour worlds in big ways. It\u2019s important to keep yourself updated on your\npartner\u2019s life of which you share a large part. Dr. Gottman calls this concept\n\u201cLove Maps.\u201d He stresses the importance of knowing your partner\u2019s inner world\nby having regular conversations about their life. What is their favorite way to\nspend their time? What is their biggest fear? What personal improvements are\nthey trying to make? What\u2019s going on with their friendships? Answers to these\nquestions give you a mental picture of your partner\u2019s world. We\u2019ve all probably\nheard a person regretfully say, \u201cwe just grew apart,\u201d or, \u201cI just don\u2019t know\nwho they are anymore, they\u2019re not the person I married.\u201d Keeping up-to-date on\nyour \u201cLove Map\u201d is just one way to prevent that from happening and keep a\nstrong foundation of friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best\nfriends listen to one another and deal with conflict in a generally respectful\nway. Part of listening to one another involves including your partner in big\ndecisions. Dr. Gottman found that partners (men especially) who accept\ninfluence from their partner have greater satisfaction in their relationships. Accepting\ninfluence means including your partner in major decisions, valuing their\nopinion, and listening to their ideas. Want to buy a new car? Thinking about\napplying for a new job in another town? Talk about the decision with your\npartner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now,\non to that sticky subject of conflict — in any discussion about healthy\nrelationships, it\u2019s bound to get some attention. Did you know that happy\ncouples fight as much as unhappy couples? Yes, you read that right. Research\nshows that it\u2019s not how much<\/em> you fight, it’s how <\/em>you fight that\ncounts. Contempt, criticism, and\nexplosive anger will all eat away at that\nfoundation of friendship. Unfortunately, our biology works against us when we\nface conflict. When you become angry or emotionally aroused, your brain is\nactually flooded with chemicals that render you useless in solving problems and\nseeing your partner\u2019s point of view. It\u2019s easier said than done, but the best\nthing to do when you\u2019re emotional or angry is to take a break and come back to\nthe conversation when you are both calm and have a clear mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Happy,\nlong-lasting couples don\u2019t just deal with conflict when it arises, they do so\nmuch more to express appreciation and affection. John Gottman found that\nstable, happy couples had a ratio of five positive interactions to\nevery one negative interaction. That is, these couples still argue, say snarky\nthings, or snap at one another. But, they also share inside jokes, hug, laugh,\nlisten, and compliment each other more than they fight. It\u2019s like filling up\nyour love bank account with positive experiences so that when you take a\nwithdrawal, you\u2019ll be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like\nmany things in life, you get out of marriage what you put into it. The hard\nwork that goes into a lasting marriage pays off. Satisfied couples are happier,\nmentally and physically better off, and (especially men) are likely to live\nlonger. Happy couples also make better parents. Notice that the key word in\nthose statements is happy<\/strong>. Unhappy couples don\u2019t fare so well. It\u2019s not\nsimply being married that is beneficial–it\u2019s being in a satisfied, emotionally\nconnected relationship. So, as you look forward to a lifetime together, keep in\nmind these habits for a healthy, happy relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recommended Resources: <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Check\nout the Gottman Institute<\/a> and their \u201cCard Deck\u201d app<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe\nSeven Principles for Making Marriage Work\u201d by John Gottman<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For new parents: \u201cAnd Baby Makes Three\u201d by John Gottman<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About Alyssa McElwain …<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Alyssa McElwain, PhD, CFLE is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Family & Consumer Sciences at the University of Wyoming. Dr. McElwain received her M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy from Purdue University in 2008, and her Ph.D in Human Development & Family Studies from Auburn University in 2015. Her approach to teaching her classes at UW includes active student participation & discussion, including role playing activities and critical case analyses. “Step into one of my classes and you will clearly see that teaching is my passion,” Dr. McElwain writes. “I strive to provide an engaging educational environment where students actively participate in their learning. My belief is that learning can and should be fun. I also believe the best learning occurs when people work hard and practice using the information they are learning.” To learn more about Dr. McElwain’s professional & personal pursuits, visit her website,<\/em><\/strong> https:\/\/alyssamcelwain.weebly.com\/<\/a> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Are you ready for what happens after the rings and reception? As you look forward to a lifelong commitment, it\u2019s easy to feel a mixture of excitement and nerves.  You have probably heard the odds about divorce and you\u2019ve probably heard that relationships take work. Love isn\u2019t always enough to sustain a marriage. What do people do in healthy, long-lasting relationships? To answer that, I have to share the knowledge and wisdom of my go-to guru on healthy relationships & marriage. Dr. John Gottman is a therapist and researcher who has studied couple relationships for decades. This man can actually predict divorce. He doesn\u2019t have a crystal ball; he has identified the destructive habits that cause marital demise. Most importantly, he figured out the key habits people engage in on a regular basis to do work in their relationship. These habits are effective–we have decades of research to prove it. The great thing is these habits are things you can do right now, on a daily basis, to help your relationship thrive over the years. So, what\u2019s the secret? Put simply, couples in happy long-lasting relationships are best friends and treat each other accordingly. That foundation of friendship means that partners know about each other\u2019s current lives. Here\u2019s the key with this one: the person you marry will change. Perhaps in small ways, but maybe in major ways. For instance, if you become parents together, that role will change your worlds in big ways. It\u2019s important to keep yourself updated on your partner\u2019s life of which you share a large part. Dr. Gottman calls this concept \u201cLove Maps.\u201d He stresses the importance of knowing your partner\u2019s inner world by having regular conversations about their life. What is their favorite way to spend their time? What is their biggest fear? What personal improvements are they trying to make? What\u2019s going on with their friendships? Answers to these questions give you a mental picture of your partner\u2019s world. We\u2019ve all probably heard a person regretfully say, \u201cwe just grew apart,\u201d or, \u201cI just don\u2019t know who they are anymore, they\u2019re not the person I married.\u201d Keeping up-to-date on your \u201cLove Map\u201d is just one way to prevent that from happening and keep a strong foundation of friendship. Best friends listen to one another and deal with conflict in a generally respectful way. Part of listening to one another involves including your partner in big decisions. Dr. Gottman found that partners (men especially) who accept influence from their partner have greater satisfaction in their relationships. Accepting influence means including your partner in major decisions, valuing their opinion, and listening to their ideas. Want to buy a new car? Thinking about applying for a new job in another town? Talk about the decision with your partner. Now, on to that sticky subject of conflict — in any discussion about healthy relationships, it\u2019s bound to get some attention. Did you know that happy couples fight as much as unhappy couples? Yes, you read that right. Research shows that it\u2019s not how much you fight, it’s how you fight that counts. Contempt, criticism, and explosive anger will all eat away at that foundation of friendship. Unfortunately, our biology works against us when we face conflict. When you become angry or emotionally aroused, your brain is actually flooded with chemicals that render you useless in solving problems and seeing your partner\u2019s point of view. It\u2019s easier said than done, but the best thing to do when you\u2019re emotional or angry is to take a break and come back to the conversation when you are both calm and have a clear mind. Happy, long-lasting couples don\u2019t just deal with conflict when it arises, they do so much more to express appreciation and affection. John Gottman found that stable, happy couples had a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That is, these couples still argue, say snarky things, or snap at one another. But, they also share inside jokes, hug, laugh, listen, and compliment each other more than they fight. It\u2019s like filling up your love bank account with positive experiences so that when you take a withdrawal, you\u2019ll be okay. Like many things in life, you get out of marriage what you put into it. The hard work that goes into a lasting marriage pays off. Satisfied couples are happier, mentally and physically better off, and (especially men) are likely to live longer. Happy couples also make better parents. Notice that the key word in those statements is happy. Unhappy couples don\u2019t fare so well. It\u2019s not simply being married that is beneficial–it\u2019s being in a satisfied, emotionally connected relationship. So, as you look forward to a lifetime together, keep in mind these habits for a healthy, happy relationship. Recommended Resources: Check out the Gottman Institute and their \u201cCard Deck\u201d app \u201cThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work\u201d by John Gottman For new parents: \u201cAnd Baby Makes Three\u201d by John Gottman About Alyssa McElwain … Alyssa McElwain, PhD, CFLE is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Family & Consumer Sciences at the University of Wyoming. Dr. McElwain received her M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy from Purdue University in 2008, and her Ph.D in Human Development & Family Studies from Auburn University in 2015. Her approach to teaching her classes at UW includes active student participation & discussion, including role playing activities and critical case analyses. “Step into one of my classes and you will clearly see that teaching is my passion,” Dr. McElwain writes. “I strive to provide an engaging educational environment where students actively participate in their learning. My belief is that learning can and should be fun. I also believe the best learning occurs when people work hard and practice using the information they are learning.” To learn more about Dr. McElwain’s professional & personal pursuits, visit her website, https:\/\/alyssamcelwain.weebly.com\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6897,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[693,694,692,492,679,92],"class_list":["post-6895","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-expert-blogs","tag-alyssa-mcelwain","tag-department-of-family-consumer-sciences-university-wyoming","tag-marriage-advice","tag-university-of-wyoming","tag-wyomingweddingsonline-com","tag-wyoweddings-com"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6895","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6895"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6895\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7143,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6895\/revisions\/7143"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6897"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6895"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6895"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wyoweddings.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6895"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}